So after my last post, I spent that night probably the most depressed I’ve been in a while. I cried until about 3am when I finally fell asleep with the help of some gravol. I listened to sad music, got out of bed and stood in my tiny room not knowing what to do. I ended up with my hoodie zipped up, hood up, and blanket nearly over my head, listening to sleep music I thankfully found, eyes wet and red.

Then when I woke up, eyes tender and body fragile, I decided I’d go slow and care for myself because the night before was so scary and miserable. I had a good breakfast and had a bath, then all the sudden I was crying again.

Cried for about and hour and a half, took some meds and planned to just go back to sleep. Even though it was 10:30 am and I’d been awake for about two hours only. I cried a lot, didn’t know what I was feeling. 

Messaged a couple friends while huddled under my blanket, and one said I should watch a cartoon or something. So I ended up watching Toy Story.

It made me laugh, and I was able to get back on with my day after. Feeling off but more stable than earlier.

But it was scary for a while there. Was such an intense 12 hours, I don’t know what to make of it. It felt like my heart was broken and I couldn’t breathe, and I felt just cold grief and despair. I felt like I was floating aimlessly in space, standing in my tiny room at 2am.

I just hid myself away, like I was disappearing.