Spent the day extra grumpy. Stomach still unhappy. Sensitive to smells again today. Took two lorazepams through the day, normally i only take one, and they didn’t even help.

Pretty convinced all drugs are placebos.

Getting pretty fucking fed up with this life I’m living. The last six months have been literal hell. And I feel like right now, I mean I’m not what I was three weeks ago, but what does that even mean.

I’ve been able to cut down to one panic attack a day, once in a while I don’t have one. But always mixed with anxiety, depression, vertigo, nausea, sensitivity to smells, fear, agitation, anger. Like everything feels like sandpaper, this body isn’t my body anymore, it doesn’t take care of me, and it doesn’t fit anymore. 

I just want to live again, I’m getting impatient, yes. But it’s been over ten years I’ve dealt with this. I don’t remember living any other way. And the last two years it just was like I fell down a mountain gaining speed the longer I fell.

I just wanna be out of here. I want to be like everyone else and just worry about my fucking job or my finances.

I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna feel like I have to look over my shoulder for danger every single moment of the day.

I’m tired.

And I’m pissed.

I feel bad saying it but I don’t even care, this is just unfair. I’m working at it, I’m learning, I’m seeing doctors, what else could I do?

I don’t wanna take antidepressants. They never work for me, and I know that’s a negative and absolute statement but I’m fucking tired of pretending. 

Why can’t I just feel better and get on with my life.

I feel so angry today. So angry that I’m missing everything. that I don’t get to have what other people have. That I have to go through this again and again and they get to just do whatever the fuck they want cause everyone else has the choice of life.

When I’m too scared and cowardly to kill myself so I won’t, and the only other option is to drag this fucking tumor of mental illness behind me and weighing on my back as I try to keep up and fail.

I dunno if you’re real or listening God, but seriously. I don’t deserve this.

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