Sometimes, barely in the last 6 months, but once in a while i’ll get a few hours where i’ll feel like a human being. Today i had it this morning, so I decided i’d go for a walk and just see how far I could go. So I put on the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album and walked for about 30 minutes before I turned around.
I turned around because even though I secretly hoped i’d make it to the drug store, since i’m almost out of Tums, I could feel myself starting to get a little more dizzy and a little less confident. So I decided i’d made it further than I expected, which is great, so i turned around feeling proud of myself.
I really wanted to push myself to go into a business, i didn’t care which one, and I was walking down one of the main streets in my city instead of the parallel, familiar street in my neighborhood, so there were lots to choose from.
I couldn’t do the drugstore, couldn’t do 7/11, but basically threw myself into the florist at the end of my street. I figured, I know her and it’s easy to leave if I have to. So I stopped and walked in.
She’s this 60 year old woman who is pretty abrasive, i’ve known her a few years and she usually ends up talking me up for like an hour. So as soon as i came in I said i didn’t have much time and just wanted a small bouquet as it’s the anniversary of my grandma’s passing.
So I spent the next 15 minutes while she put together a small arrangement, listening to her talk about her daughter (who has had cancer for a really long time and doesn’t take care of herself unfortunately) and how life is hard and you just gotta get over it, after i mentioned that the last 6 months have been worse than the two years before that, which were worse than the 8 years before those. I didn’t say much i just said that i had been really struggling and i think she legit told me to grow up, without realizing it. She rambled about her friend that complains about her anxiety and her thyroid and how irritated she felt when her friend talked about it because HER life was so much harder. Which don’t get me wrong, she’s had a rough time of it, but everyone has their own path to walk and we all have different battles to fight. I do not think one person’s struggles are more or less valid just because one hardship may seem more difficult.
Meanwhile I was getting steadily more anxious and more stressed and more phobic and felt like I might throw up, and just wanted to leave. I was able to hang on enough so I could pay. She did, however, hug me on my way out and her perfume hit me like a sack of bricks, with my scent-sensitivity as bad as it is now. So that was super shit.
I walked down the street to my house, I put the flowers in a vase and went to my room, took a lorazepam, checked in with my online therapist on 7cups and now i’m talking to you.
I’m in this weird stasis where i’m expecting a complete meltdown, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m still very anxious and weary, but it’s like i’m waiting for something to get worse.
Whenever I push myself outside my comfort zone, there’s always a time period afterwards where if i haven’t panicked or broken right away, i’m in this limbo where i’m monitoring everything to see how i’m doing. Cause it sort of feels like i’m holding my breath until I can get to my room.
And i’d really like to focus on how good a walk I had before I went into her shop, I was really happy with the new RHCP album since I hadn’t heard it yet, and it’s sunny out for the first time all week which is nice.
So i’m listening to meditative music and writing this out so hopefully i can begin to let it go.
Learning to not let others get under your skin, or leave a bad taste in your mouth/mind is a tough thing to do when you’re mind is as sticky as glue. It sucks that the 15 minutes I spent with her, I let taint the 35 minutes of managing. So that’s something I have to work on.
But I got out, I went out alone, I walked a little further than I normally do, I walked on the main street instead of in my neighborhood, and I went into a shop. Those are all good things I felt too shitty to do yesterday. So there, I did something.
Becoming un-agoraphobic is exhausting.