Do you think that if you think positively, the outcome will be better than if you thought nothing, or thought negatively?

I’ve been having a real hard time understanding/seeing that negative words and thoughts can be changed.

i’m not 100% how, but there are things that i’m sure can help.

From about Christmas until now my panic attacks have been even more hyperventilate-y and i’ll literally choke or get a huge wave of panic for like five seconds but it’s earth shattering and i have to stop whatever i’m doing and calm poor heart.

I recently was prescribed lorazepam (which i should have been on years ago) and it’s helped a couple time to bring some calm. But i have a limited amount, so i’ve been trying not to take them if I can bear it.

The last few months especially, i’ve been basically able to talk myself out of doing anything potentially scary or overwhelming, without even intentionally doing it. When you’re as constantly beaten down as i have been, more and more over the years, it’s really hard to see anything as safe anymore.

And because i’ve had so many bad experiences over a long time but also very bad very consistently this last while,  I’m just used to feeling like shit all the time. So how can I see the future as anything different if i’m just continuously running into the ground this negative and fearful response?

I think it’s a matter of the chicken and the egg – like my anxiety starts and then i feel lousy – but then the lousy feeling makes me more anxious – and thus the circle continues where i don’t even have a real danger usually, it can just be a feeling, or a smell, or a visual, doesn’t even have to be scary. But if i’m in a certain head space or body space my body rejects human things.

Now, that’s because it’s used to it now. But it wasn’t always like this – i always came out of the bad blips – eventually. And it’s just not happening man, like I need a forklift and a bulldozer but all I have are my weak hands to break free with. And when you’re as downtrodden as I have been, the strength and energy just aren’t there. Especially with my lack of eating enough of what i need-