The last five days, for example, I’ve had hideous panic attacks that last on and off all day or all night. My body is so tired. And I’m trying so hard to stay afloat and find things and reminders that make me feel safe. But not much does, it is just all sort of one of those Band-Aids that only lasts for like an hour, the really shitty ones.

I have nowhere I need to be today, so I’m hoping I can manage long enough to have a quiet day.

Woke up feeling sick and anxious so that’s not a good start, but I was able to eat breakfast so that’s good.

Reading more about getting over this, I have to believe there is a purpose to this suffering.

I want to still move forward even in the midst of all this terror.

New years eve tomorrow, was invited to my twin brother’s place for games. I’d really like to go and not spend new years completely alone. But it really all depends on how I feel. So I could easily be on my own as usual.

I truly look up to people now, that can live, work, have relationships, basically be human. I don’t think I ever knew it could go this far. That I could break down so literally that every little thing had potential to wreak havoc.

There better be a someday for me. Would be nice if I’m not wasting another new years next year. This is the second I’m spending on my own.

Just keep swimming. Even if you’re barely afloat.