I made this blog originally so I could share my experiences with panic disorder, depression, agoraphobia, other phobias and my chronic physical side effects of living with all those things. And also my journey attempting to get better and get my life back.
Then, because i’m the way I am, I didn’t write again. I kept saying to myself “You really should write on that blog, you made it for this purpose” but then I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to be a bummer. And I so rarely feel like a comfortable human, so of course I just didn’t write ever.
But the truth is, living with all those things is a huge bummer. And I can’t pretend it’s not.
Yesterday was Christmas and I spent the whole day being fearful, nauseated, and not coming through for my family like I wanted to. Somehow I was able to eat dinner (after a days worth of toxic thoughts saying I wouldn’t be able to) but then my body immediately felt in danger and I spent the evening in bed having an enormous and long panic attack that the few tools I have didn’t help- and ended up talking to a couple people online while I literally just waited it out.
Today I still feel gross. And I don’t want to eat – but one of the unfortunate things about being alive is that you have to eat to live. I hate that you can’t just eat when you want to. It’s traumatizing having to either starve or force yourself to eat when you have literally no appetite at all.
Last week I had about 3 days where my vertigo was off the charts, but I also was able to eat all my meals for those days because I was so dizzy I couldn’t concentrate so much on my usual sensitivities. It was awful but also a relief. Sad that it’s the only way for me to have any appetite though.
I’m tired. I’m mad. I’m grumpy. I’m angry at myself for getting to this point. I’m taking so much more than i’m giving(and it was always the other way around). I’m trying to swim but i’m drowning. I’ve read books, i’ve done programs, i’ve seen doctors, i’ve tried medication, and yet here I am.
I will try to blog more, and will just have to accept that it’s going to be mostly unhappiness on here for a while. I will try to acknowledge positives when they come though, if they come.
I just started a new book called “Unagoraphobic” and it has daily goals and plans so i’m going to try to do some of that in the future and see if it makes any difference at all.
I hope you guys have a better holiday than I’m having. And thanks to the couple of you who actually read my first post, it helps knowing at least one person can see these posts.